InsaneJournal

Current location:	Irwin house
Current mood:	accomplished
Current music:	The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, episode 2
Entry tags:	chemical imbalance, crazy hormones, crispin freeman narrating, depression, job security, life, wtf

I'm really gettin' tired of this sometimes...
BEH. I feel like some kind of depressed old person who's going through her "trying to figure herself out stage even though she should've been done with this ten years ago" stage. Or something to that effect.

Or perhaps the human mind isn't meant to figure themselves out at the time of their adolescence. Maybe it's a rotating process, where you'll always be at a crossroad trying to redifine yourself to be who you truly are happy with.

If that's the case, I've been at this crossroad more times than I care to count.



It's always something. If not my looks, then my mind or how I dress or what my current hobby is. Who my friends are, what kind of job do I need, etc.... It's incredibly aggrivating. Especially when I'm posting this on a journal that myabe three people read. I love the sound of myyyyyabe, but I'm always afraid that people think it's a typo, and it readily could be and I'm just trying to cover myself up right now, but then why wouldn't I simply go back and correct the spelling? Either I'm lazy or I'm trying to be cool. Regardless, I've read/watched way too much of Kyon and am now going off topic much in the same way as he. It defintely provides insight, but I can't help but to feel inadequete. Shouldn't I have more friends to relate this to? Shouldn't I be talking to them rather than spewing this out into the internets?

There's some kind of relief in the whole screen thing. I can't read an expression, and I don't feel rushed into some kind of explination. So I think I am happy with this medium to whine.

Alright. So I can at least accept the fact that perhaps I'm, once again, going through a change. But of what? I love my body but I hate it. I know I'm not annoying but I can't help feeling like everything I say is stupid. I love my hobbies but I've been lazy as of late which perhaps might mean I'm bored with it, which I really hope not, I really do love them. I love my job but it might not be the career path I've been preparing myself for all of these years.

What is it?! Why am I not happy with myself right now?! These are the exact same feelings I've had two times before, where I know that I'm incredibly well off (awesome boyfriend, awesome friends, awesome family, awesome job) compared to most (no boyfriend, back stabbing friends, no family, dead-end job)and yet... something is wrong. Either I'm reading way too into this and my hormones are taking over due to the fall season being here or I have a chemical imbalance that I truly should be taking pills for or perhaps I am clinically depressed and should seek treatment (despite the painfully large bills- a dollar a minute?!) or should I face it and realize that perhaps I'm lying to myself. That I really do hate my body, that I am truly annoying, that my hobbies are stupid, or my job isn't the one for me...

Those thoughts are incredibly frightening. I'd rather no dwell on those...

Instead, I'd like to focus on the less depressing thoughts. If I love my body, perhaps what I'm unhappy about is how I treat it. I've been carb-binging lately, which can attritube to feeling sluggish, more back/ankle pain, and overall feeling shitty. I should concentrate on eating more fruits, like how I was a few months back. Mmm, peaches. <3

As with talking, that can't be helped unfortunately. I've tried the whole "Think before you speak" but my mouth is already moving by the time my mind registers a thought.

Person: So what is your opinion on our current economical status?
Mind: Okay, let's think about what you're gonna say. We want to sound cool, but not too-
Mouth: I really think zombies are sexy.
Mind: ... A-Are you serious?
Person: O_____________o ...Yeah.

It kind of helps when I remember what my manager told me... Shit. Uuuuuh... OH. That perhaps it's just who I am and I shouldn't give two shits of what random people think. The only ones that matter are my friends and family, and they're going to love me no matter what.

...

Man does that sound like a bullshit excuse that you'd give to a young kid being told that his family will love him no matter how much glue he eats...

Okay! But I will keep that in mind, because as Reading Rainbow as it sounds, family/friends/cats WILL love me no matter how many rants I go on. And if it really bugs them, they're gonna tell me so and that'll be fine, because at least I have enough of a mindset to understand when I talk too long. Though now that I think about it, this entire journal entry will be shoved onto those who just can't stop reading. If you're thinking that I've already gone on too long, sorry. I can't stop.

I have a feeling once I start perking up about my body and treating it correctly, that my desire for my hobbies will come back, as I will generally be in better moods. So two birds with once stone for this. *toss*

With the job, it's better to think in these terms; it's great paying, I have health insurance, my co-workers are friendly and I only see them eight hours out of a day, and at the end of the day, I am able to say "Fuck it!" and go home. Yes. And if I need a job, there's plenty out there for people without college degrees. They just suck, but I will be fine with that because this is my last chance. Perhaps with that stuck in my head I won't mess up... Which will be good, I would love to be a manager at the store.

So overall perhaps this incredibly long and boring rant is myself trying to say "Wake up! You've just written this thing with Crispin Freeman's voice smoothly narrating inside of your head to tell you that it's not so bad, that you have choices and chances and all you need to do is take it. Trust me."

Thanks Crispin Freeman. Thanks.

(And thank you my friends if you've read though this entire thing. It means quite a lot, especially if you laughed at a few lines here and there.)


If the video bores you, please at least fast forward to 2:50 and read on. Hilarity is had as Kyon's words of promise are shoved back into his mouth within a minute.

.